On the cusp of my first diagnosis (“yes.. confirming your gene is mutant”) I was in a long term relationship with a guy who locked up at seemingly any display of sadness or upset emotion from me. He just didn’t know what to do or how to respond, even if sentiments were written down and he was given time to think. We had already become disconnected when I tried to salvage our relationship one last time. In hindsight I see more clearly that this person would not be able to support or care for me during serious illness, and I’m thankful we broke things off when we did.
Many of these kinds of people will be outwardly ambitious and successful, but don’t give as much attention to building and sustaining healthy and robust relationships that will weather the inevitable storms of life. The focus is often on themselves and their own gain and status, rather than being selfless and sacrificing anything to their own detriment.
I’m sure many of us will know or have heard of a husband or wife that left their spouse at a time that they were most needed, because *insert-mental/physical issue-here* isn’t sexy (often cancer). The sick and abandoned will often have stood by this partner through their failings, shortcomings or even abuse. The same person that had shared vows in front of a celebrant or minster, to stand by in sickness and health, raising kids and creating a life with. I can only begin to imagine what that would feel like.
These are not inherently bad people of course, and we all have our strengths and weaknesses. But there is something to be said for being self-reliant in many ways; financially, emotionally, spiritually, and knowing who you can always rely on for strength and support when you are at your lows, and your highs.
I used to hate Marilyn Monroe’s quote: “If you can’t handle me at your worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” (probably due to her prior two sentences). But hey, she kind of had a point in this light!
Sort through your “fair weather friends” until you have a few “all-weather” friends. And these can take an array of forms. A relative, pen pal, colleague, cat or dog.
With a terminal illness you literally dont have the time or energy for heartlessness, selfishness or lack of compassion. It’s kind of cathartic to cull people who prove themselves to be of no positive purpose to you anymore. The angels in your life will show themselves, steel themselves and stay themselves.
Of course, not all of us will be blessed to have any friend to turn to, or you may have chosen not to tell people close to you. If this is you, I acknowledge how much more difficult your path will probably feel. I hope that you can talk to any one you trust such a doctor or other medical professional (or a pastor at a church, you don’t have to be a member or religious) who should be able to refer you, or recommend support options.
God has placed many angels on this earth, but a lot of them are just human. Let them know how to find you.
